I’m writing about different ideas in relation to change because as humans with complex and layered histories and experiences, there is unlikely to be one thing that explains everyone’s difficulty with making changes. In this post I want to talk about a more philosophical approach. The struggle with freedom. Freedom can mean many things, but I am referring here, to the freedom to be able to choose.
Existential theory suggests that the implication of not being able to avoid choices leads to a level of anxiety because we both cannot know in the present the absolute outcome of those decisions in the future and we cannot not choose. Even refusing to choose… is a choice. Jean-Paul Sartre coined the phrase “..doomed to be free..” in response to this experience. (some of you may have read The Dice Man by Cockcroft, but even here – he chooses the system, he chooses to roll the dice)
In life this low level hum of anxiety plays out in many ways. Think about conversations with friends about what film to watch or where to eat… ” I don’t know, what do you fancy?”. Choice can paralyse, if the outcome is uncertain, or if there are power dynamics at play, especially if you feel like your choice may affect others and/or their view of you.
To choose means stepping into the dark with a range of possible outcomes. Not necessarily pleasant ones. I may habitually withdraw when conflict arises, but if I didn’t, I’m not sure what might happen, or maybe I fear some catastrophe? Maybe I have been punished for getting it wrong in my family or at school. Also, I might not know what an alternative looks like if I am unpractised at asserting myself. In this case the choice feels limited. Either way, change will happen, perhaps the question is to what degree am I connected to it? In therapy these thoughts, feelings and fears can be voiced, alternatives explored and tested in the room, then exported into life and the results processed together with your therapist.
Sometimes even useful change results in feelings of regret. ‘If I can change now, what about all the time I wasted acting in ways that did not serve me.’ The feelings of anger or frustration can fuel further reluctance to change as a way of avoiding future regret. This is natural and also needs space to breathe in the therapy room, taking the opportunity to look at all the parts to this. Regret can be instructive and avoidance of it can close off learning and personal growth.
The problem is further compounded by value laden hierarchies in western society. The experience of cultural or gendered oppression can impact not only the actual choices that can be made but also the perception of what might be a good choice. In this situation choices that may feel right at first glance, may have a negative impact on the psyche, as described, for example by Frantz Fanon in Black Skin, White Masks. Therapy with someone who can support an individual journey within a shared community of experience, can help with the process of separating out what is an authentic choice, right for you, not just one that assimilates to the dominant culture. In essence this is decolonial work, layered and complicated. It may be best to find a therapist from a similar background, or at the very least has a consciousness about how tender and risky this work can be.
For further reading see: F. Fanon, I.D. Yalom, J. Baldwin, J. Sartre, T. Morisson, WEB. Dubois, E. Van Deuzen, K. Gines
Listening Loud 