For many years I have supported people to regain conscious control of their lives. It can be a long process, especially if the person learned how to cope with their difficult circumstances at an early age. The question gets asked “why is it so hard to change?”
Some ideas I have found helpful are:
- If there is a pattern of coping laid down early, and help sought later in life, the pattern is more entrenched and more difficult to shift. The key reasons are neuro-rigidity created by long-term behaviour (the good news here is that we also have neuro-plasticity that allows for change), coupled with a coping mechanism developed using the skills that were available at the time (often those of a child).
- Children are good at adapting to difficult experiences and very creative. But they lack the wisdom that comes with age and wider experiences. Put simply they do the best they can with what they have.
- The longer these early coping mechanisms are in place, the more inappropriate they become. We effectively have a child in us calling the shots, doing its best to support the adult that we now are.
- This protective child part becomes a barrier to adult growth and change. The adult becomes frustrated and angry with themselves, the child part feels the anger and becomes even more protective, creating a cycle of failed attempts to change followed by self-judgment
This is why understanding and developing compassion for the self-protection methods we developed as children become so important.
This is the conscious adult part taking care of the children we were (and still carry with us) Creating an upward spiral of self-understanding and compassion, reduced need for self-protection and increased ability to tolerate and explore new possible behaviours and responses.
Listening Loud 